My fellow Americans: Yesterday, I briefly surrendered my reigns of power to Vice President Dick Cheney, on account of I had to get a colonasstomy in case the loving God who appointed me ruler changes His mind and tries to kill me with the ass cancer. I know it’s uncomfortable for my adoring public to think of me, their super-macho El Hefe, all drugged up and helpless, de-pantsed, with a ten-foot robot python jimmying so far up my gayhole, it could taste yesterday’s Cheetos – but don’t worry: I’m OK. And to every fucktard standup comic and late show host who’s wondering: NO, they did not find another copy of my Iraq war plan up there! Read more …